Fraulein Lena Mayer-Laundromat has won the European Song Contest with a song entitled Satellite(Uber Alles). The United Kingdom finished last out of the 1,355 European member states who entered.
A delighted Angela Merkel said, "Little Ships? Vat Little Ships?? Pah! Zat vas all a fery long time ago. Vat is important now is zat ve von ze Song Var Europe and you Englische came last. LAST. L.A.S.T."
David Cameron, in a somewhat testy response said, "We must never forget the solid performances of Brotherhood of Man and Bucks Fizz. I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their melodic duty, if nothing except lyrics is neglected, and if the best musical arrangements are made, as they are being made by Andrew Lloyd Webber, Gary Barlow and that girl who used to be Betty Boo, we shall prove ourselves once again able to serenade our island home, to ride out the storm of warbling, and to outlive the menace of descant harmony, if necessary for years, if necessary alone i.e. solo.
"At any rate, that is what we are going to try to do. Frankly. That is the resolve of His Majesty's Government — every man of them (except David Laws but we won't go into that)."