The Church of England is said to be bracing itself for a massive turnout this Sunday morning after the government announced the ban on same sex marriage in church.
But research carried out amongst the 20-50 age group found that, despite the ruling, more adults planned on taking part in recreational intercourse with a member of the same sex on Sunday morning than planned taking part in a church service.
Church groups say that the dozen or so gay couples here in the UK who were vaguely thinking about a church ceremony to cement their relationship would have to go elsewhere and denying them the opportunity to show their love for one another meant everything to the church.
‘This is what it must have felt like returning from the crusades after liberating Jerusalem from Muslim rule’ said church goer Anthony Fitzpatrick ‘it’s just a pity we couldn’t have put the gays to the sword too’.
However, the number of people who planned on eating the flesh of a 2000 year old corpse had actually risen as a result of the ruling.
Justin Beesley, a life long Aleister Crowley fan and part-time cannibal said eating the flesh of a dead person was the best thing about Christianity and was the reason why he got interested in the church in the first place.
‘To be honest, the thought of two men getting married in a church disgusts me and could quite easily put me off drinking the blood of Christ for life’ confirmed Justin ‘it’s a crazy idea, even if it is only symbolic. I’m glad they’ve come to their senses on this one’.
The news was also welcomed by divorce lawyers, already working around the clock annulling failed marriages and trying to work out what was best for the kids.
‘Mind you, dealing with a failed gay marriage would be so much easier’ said divorce lawyer Ben Rigsby ‘ at least the only serious argument would be over who gets custody of the cat’.
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Church bracing itself for massive turnout
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Gerontius
offlineMemberPosted 5 months ago #
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