A resident of Arizona who won $500 million in the ‘Powerball Lottery’ has claimed he is ‘looking forward’ to the money changing him completely.
Chuck Sanders has been employed as a shelf supervisor at the Tucson branch of Wal-Mart for the past decade, and also works as a volunteer at a local shelter for the homeless. But following his win, Sanders has sworn to ‘fuck that shit right off’ and spend more of his time on a gold-plated yacht, snorting cocaine off the breasts of high-class prostitutes.
“I’ve had to tolerate the same small group of morons since junior school”, explained Sanders. “It’s a close-knit community, but it’s also a shit one.” Sanders can’t wait to meet a new raft of wealthier friends, who have better teeth and go to restaurants with cutlery. Sanders has fond memories of the simple, homely bar he used to socialise in, and how he bought it for cash and converted into an animal research laboratory.
Before the remarkable win, Sanders considered himself the sort of ‘regular joe’ who had to resort to doing charity work to convince even the plainest of women to sleep with him. But with a cool half a billion in the bank and a publicist to keep his face in the papers, Sanders can now enjoy being ‘a total ass-hat’ and still have supermodels throw themselves at him.
“It’s amazing how my life’s turned out”, declared Sanders. “When I was 13, I could only dream of being so shallow and materialistic. Me and my friends would play games where we’d pretend to sneer at the poor but fortunately, that was a dream that only came true for me.”
Sanders hasn’t completely forgotten his former acquaintances, and still takes the time to phone them from exotic locations. “Keeping up with the time zones can be a headache, which is why I now employ a personal horologist”, he explained. “With his expertise I’m always confident that I’m ringing them at precisely 3.30 am.”
Thanks to liposuction, rhinoplasty and injections of panda bile, Sanders’ former neighbours might hardly recognise him, if it weren’t for the billboards he’s erected. But one aspect of his life has remained unchanged, and Sanders has vowed to continue buying a weekly lottery ticket. As he explained, “if I win for a second time, I won’t let it change me one bit. As I was saying to Trump at one of our little get-togethers last night, I’m relatively content with my lot.”