Searing droughts in the United States which depleted harvests of wheat, corn and soybeans this year has been brought on by the increase in lesbian line dancing say evangelists.
Ministers across the American heartlands have condemned the practice as ‘going against God, nature and the whole darned eco-system.’
Reverend Abraham Clampitt of Beaver County, Illinois said, “Line dancing has traditionally been associated with furrowing the land and bringing on rain and showers and bountiful harvests. It’s mighty sad to see it being hi-jacked by women of alternative persuasions who wouldn’t know what do with a greased hog in a corn hole.”
Congregations across the corn-belt agree.
Martha McGilligan, 83, spinster and member of Reverend Clampitt’s flock said, “Line dancing was created by God for a man and a woman unless you’re over eighty and a widow, then it is okay to partner up with your sister or someone like Tilly from the grain store. I don’t know what lesbian women do when they’re dancing and I don’t want to find our either, but they sure ain’t giving us no wet spells.”
However, champion line dancer Lindsey Donut from Fayette, Illinois disagrees. “To link lesbian line dancing with continental weather patterns shows how bigoted these people are. It is an ideal girl on girl activity as it avoids the problem of imbalance of male/female partners that has plagued the country-western dance scene for decades.”
An official from the US Agricultural Department said “It’s true that the country's corn crop will be the smallest in six years. But you can’t blame lesbian line dancing for the problem. This just confuses folklore with scientific fact. It’s like blaming gay Cossack dancers for damaged wheat crops in Russia.
Lindsey Donut agreed, “These people need to embrace diversity. I’d like to give women like Martha a spin around the floor to show them what they’re missing.”