“Are you a Bond villain looking for a place to hide, or just a totalitarian dictator who wants to suppress a rebel uprising in style? Either way, have we got the perfect Christmas gift for you…”
So starts the product description on the internet auction site for ‘700 barely-used mountains’, as the Chinese government offers a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have an entire geographical area shipped direct to your doorstep.
“At first we were just planning to flatten them to make way for a new metropolis,” said Yan Jiehe, head of the China Pacific Construction Group undertaking the mountain removal.
“But then we realised we were being selfish – although we have a surplus of mountains in China, there are lots of countries and/or billionaires out there in desperate need of the aggressive defence capabilities provided by thousands of tonnes of pointy rock.”
Although the auction only opened a day ago, bidding appears to have already started in earnest, with North Korea and an anonymous bidder called ‘Number1’ the early front-runners.
Asked about their motives, North Korea declared that the mountains were a surprise birthday present for their southern neighbours, while ‘Number1’ stroked his cat and muttered something about a missile launch base.
The prospect of these mountains being used for evil has sparked concern in the international community, however Yan Jiehe denied it was China’s responsibility:
“All we want to do is give them a good home. If that means dropping them using thousands of helicopters on a country of the winning bidder’s choosing then that’s what we’ll do.”
“Any negative repercussions are the fault of the auction winner, not us. We can’t be blamed for providing excellent customer service.”