With the global economy still in the doldrums, the CEO of a faceless international company is turning his gaze skywards and wondering how best they might fuck up the moon. For decades, the technology to ruin the moon has existed on paper but it is only now that such actions can finally prove profitable.
"People are sick and tired of hearing stories about us supposedly exploiting the Earth’s resources", explained Gerry Oppenheimer of the Avarice Conglomerate. "What we need now is some 'Black Sky' thinking."
To Oppenheimer, the Moon represents a tempting 'blank canvas', or at least it will do once the craters have been concreted in. "The first rocket will include all the essentials to give us a foot-hold”, he explained. "Little USB sticks with our name on, litigation lawyers and a crack team of accountants."
While business models for the venture appear to be sketchy, there's no doubt that 'off-earth' trade offsetting could pay for the enterprise many times over. But a favourable tax regime isn’t the only advantage of plundering into space. "By owning a Moon, we can offer people stable gravitation, off-hours lighting and even regular menstrual cycles", insisted Oppenheimer.
"Just because you’ve always taken these things for granted doesn’t mean we can’t charge for them. The only tricky bit is working out how to cut people off." A 'freemium' model will allow the wistful to browse the moon for few moments a night, but those gazing without a licence will be targeted in the face with laser-powered moon beams.
Branding is key to the success of the business, and Oppenheimer vows his firm won't be eclipsed. Through careful use of explosives the firm hopes to reshape their investment, so the lunar body more closely resembles their corporate logo.
“That might seem a little drastic, but there’s no specific rules against it”, said Oppenheimer, defensively. “It might be immoral, but it’s not necessarily illegal.”