George Osborne has announced funding for the creation of thousands of jobs across the broadcasting industry for Royal baby experts with at least £6m of private sector investment to keep the story running for at least the next 21 years.
According to Osborne, the Government investment will help freelance journalists, television health commentators and every quack, charlatan, media student and self-opinionated media prick to expand their Royal baby expertise to create new jobs and stimulate growth.
Osborne explained how the Royal baby investment fund represents a good public investment. “In tough economic times the Fund is good value for taxpayers’ money”, he said “Having the Royals pop one out from time to time contributes to the UK economy and at the same time distracts the population from more important issues. The broadcasting industry plays a huge part in this.”
Brian Jennings, MD for Sunshine Radio in Shropshire said, “Since the announcement of the Royal pregnancy I have managed to secure one apprenticeship and two work placements for ex media study students who would otherwise be languishing at home wondering where their next benefit payment is coming from. You’ve got to give it to the Government and to Kate, as William obviously did.”
Susan Tatfield, a freelance journalist and producer based in unemployment hot spot Liverpool said, “With the help of the Royal Baby Fund I can churn out any old shit for as long as I like even if my opinion drives people to self-harming. Everybody loves baby stories. In fact I’ve just re-pitched a six part series to the BBC about Royal gynaecologists which they previously fannied around with, and the good news is they are going to take it up. Which is just what Kate did.”
In the meantime reports that the Duchess of Cambridge no longer feels sick has astounded Royal baby experts and a Newsnight special will be seeking the expertise of 3,000 beneficiaries of the new Royal Baby Funding Programme.
Newsnight presenter,Jeremy Paxman said, "What a waste of fucking public money. Bring it on."