William and Kate have enlisted the help of Danny Boyle to make the royal birth “a special day”. The event, to be syndicated around the world, will epitomise everything that makes Britain great: pomp and pageantry, unmerited privilege and starched bed linen. While royal births are usually private affairs, on this occasion the TV cameras will follow every contraction, every dilation, every anguished cry, as an ashen-faced William is asked to leave the delivery room.
Danny Boyle has a budget of millions to ensure that the public has a ringside view of the birth. “It will be amazing”, he said. “Sir Elton John will be in the delivery room to sing ‘Born to Reign’, a new version of the Bruce Springsteen anthem, the moment the baby’s head is sighted. There’ll be a big dance number, featuring middle managers from local hospitals, waving chequebooks, to symbolise the provision of universal private medical care for those who can afford to pay for it. There are no plans for David Beckham to be involved, but he’ll probably turn up anyway”.
The BBC will be covering the day’s events in-depth. While BBC 1 will focus on the delivery itself, in all its gruesome detail, BBC 2 will have uninterrupted coverage of whatever Pippa Middleton’s arse is doing that day. As Danny Ball promised, “We couldn’t film the conception, but we’ll splash out on the birth. There’ll be something for everyone”...
