Some spent the night hiding in the backyard, others drank until they reached the barren desert of floppiness, still others came home wearing a chastity belt hastily constructed from office supplies.
Either way, it was clear that the country’s men were in fear of their sex lives yesterday, after their other halves began raving about the sensual verbosity and lustful thrusting contained within the Bad Sex award nominees.
“I don’t know why they’re called the Bad Sex awards, unless the bad stands for ‘Bulbous and Deep,” drooled Catherine Rompington, “I’ve long wished that my boyfriend would visit my orchard like a hungry finch and gorge on its fruit.”
“Instead he starts off like a penguin, belly-flopping along the ice, and ends like a dodo, still and very much extinct.”
Jen Stiles read the nominees and sighed: “I once asked my ex to talk dirty to me, but he just spent 15 minutes boasting about how he was going to blow me away with his love cannon.”
“Still, on the plus side it lasted almost 15 minutes longer than our usual love-making.”
However, the award’s all-male judging committee stood firm, arguing that animal metaphors and the overuse of adjectives like ‘throbbing’ caused their penises to curl up in fear.
They issued a statement asking, “Can someone kindly show us how the phrase ‘his big generative jockey was inside her pelvic saddle’ is anything other than terrifying?”
“Even ‘grunt, puff, spunk, groan, snore’ sounds romantic by comparison.”
Asked to explain this difference in opinion, relationship therapist Johanna Bunsdale said that women have a more highly developed sexual imagination than men:
“Ladies simply need to realise that when a man says ‘I’m going to pull your legs apart and fuck you into the floor’ what he actually means is ‘I’m going to buzz onto your tender flower, caress the petals and pollenate you softly.’”