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Dear Newsbiscuit - Agony Aunts/Uncles needed

(11 posts) (3 voices)

Started 2 years ago by Doctor Moptop
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Doctor Moptop

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I do not share a social life with my partner. We have separate bank accounts. Occasionally, after a few sherries on a Friday, we have a quick fumble on the stairs, but I certainly do not consider it a relationship in the meaningful sense of the word. Therefore I should like to claim £950 per month from someone - who? - to keep me in the manner &c. &c.

No-one within my circle knows of my relationship with the Newsbiscuit website. I'd like to keep it that way. People talk, you know.

I need urgent advice on how I can maintain my moral authority in the parish - I own shares in a hand-embroidered bed linen company and am a pillow of society - and still be quids in.

Speedy responses much appreciated.

Dr. M.

Posted 2 years ago #
QorbeQ

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Dear Dr. M.,

I sympathise with your circumcision, having been in the same situation myself.

I made the mistake of believing that I could get away with an exceptionally contorted interpretation of 'the rules', but it turns out that 'quick fumbles' with NewsBiscuit are simply not possible and always lead to the use of full tongues at some point.

If you truly want to keep your moral authority with the locals I would relinquish the desire for cash AND for self-gratification and become a monk, or perhaps a nun given the habit-forming nature of the social faux pas you appear to be in the throes of.

I hope this helps.

Yours,

David Laws, M.P.

Posted 2 years ago #
Doctor Moptop

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Dear Mr Laws

Thank you for your speedy and informative response.

I've always thought celibacy a filthy habit, but I can quite see why you'd suggest it.

Ought I pursue a career in politics? I notice that you didn't mention it, but wonder if that was due to a little 'protectionism'?

To put your mind at rest, I have all the school ties (multiple expulsions; the usual beastliness)and passed O Level Arithmetic so would be a sturdy mast in a strong wind. Also, in your present position, you might want propping up stoutly from behind ...

We could flat share, halve our expenses and double our profits. What do you say, old chap?

Warm regards,

Dr. M.

Posted 2 years ago #
PluckyMunky

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Dear Dr M,
May I suggest an alternative? Next time your pal is round, having a small sherbet with you, why not dip your cock in your sherry?

Then, climb on the sofa and yell: 'Look out, captain! Thar she blows!'

It will, I think, make or break your rather delicate relationship but you may find that you are paid large amounts for such a show. And no-one on NB needs to know.

Yours, as ever,
Dr Munky

Posted 2 years ago #
Doctor Moptop

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One can't help thinking, Dr Munky, that the sherry would smart, especially if it's a fino.

Though perhaps a Bristol Cream might do the trick...?

My 'pal' is a permanent fixture though I would hardly call it a relationship - hence my desire to get paid £950 per month for the inconvenience.

However, thank you for the excellent advice. I shall let you know how I get on.

Dr. M.

Posted 2 years ago #
PluckyMunky

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Well, the only other think I can think of is that you smarten yourself up a little, put on tight, hipster jeans and trot round the bus station. I appreciate, as a man of the cloth, that this may not be ideal, but it may make you a few fivers.

Otherwise, raid the collection box.

Yours, with concern,
Dr M.

Posted 2 years ago #
Doctor Moptop

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Goodness, I've never been given such advice by a vicar before! Which team do you bat for?

Dr. M.

P.S. My appendage makes tight jeans an impossibility, but thanks all the same.

Posted 2 years ago #
PluckyMunky

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My mistake, Dr M. I was referring to you as a 'man of the cloth'. You referred to the fact that 'I need urgent advice on how I can maintain my moral authority in the parish.' I took it that you were a vicar.

I am neither a vicar nor a cricketer, I fear. I do have a counselling background, though and like to help when I can.

Bless you,
Dr Munky

Posted 2 years ago #
Doctor Moptop

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This, my dear Munky, is a perfect example of how innocent mistranslations of language can lead to all sorts of confusions.

The Daily Telegraph should have shown far more understanding with poor Mr Laws. He clearly got confused (as you just did). After all, it was only a matter of some £40,000. It's not as if he deliberately set out to defraud the Expenses Office, is it?

My background is in councilling, hence my desire to manipulate the old personal balance sheet - if you catch my drift. Public Service is the supremely altruistic act.

The Other Half has popped to the shops - using separate debit/credit cards, I hasten to add. I've been in the Spare Room (aka The Doghouse) for some three months now. If not £950 per calendar month, could I at least claim a Single Person Council Tax rebate?

With all good wishes

Dr. M.

Posted 2 years ago #
PluckyMunky

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Yes, you raise some important issues, Dr M. I think I may have oversimplified things a little. I think you may need to see the Citizens' Advice Bureau, on these matters. Do be Open and Frank with them. We will all be rooting for you here. Plucky.

Posted 2 years ago #
Doctor Moptop

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I am resigned to resigning and tender my resignation forthwith. Does this mean I can keep the money? And the dog? (It's a Labradoodle with a pleasant nature. I call her Prescott after the great lord's wife.)

***************************************

Dear Dr Moptop,

Thank you for your letter tendering your resignation, which I accept with sadness.

The last 24 hours must have been extraordinarily difficult and painful for you. I am glad that the prune juice is working.

You are a ~~good~~ ~~and~~ ~~honourable~~ man. I am sure that, throughout, you have been motivated by wanting to protect your privacy rather than trying to make a mint. Your decision to resign demonstrates the importance you attach to your rental income.

In your short time at Newsbiscuit, you have made a real difference, setting us on the right path to tackle errant apostrophes which pose such a risk to our economy of language.

I hope that, in time, you will be able to serve again as I think it is absolutely clear that you have a huge amount to offer our understanding of grammar and punctuation.

Yours,

Cammy.

P.S. Cleggy sends his love.

Posted 2 years ago #

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