In a new report released by the Office for National Statistics it is revealed that one of the leading causes of death for people aged over 80 years is viewing Crimewatch.
According to an ONS spokesman “The BBC’s long-running programme has been a major contributor to the increase in mortality for people over 80 years of age. Our data has revealed that since the programme started in 1984, there is a mortality peak on the first Thursday of every month between 9.00pm and 10.00pm when the show is transmitted.”
Previously the leading causes of death for the over 80’s was stroke following the receipt of fuel bills, veterinary bills or unexpected phone calls from friends whom they assumed had expired years ago.
Crimewatch presenter Kirsty Young said, “We are always very careful not to over glamorise criminality or use shocking images to increase viewing figures, however although our fabulous reconstructions are designed to scare the living shit out of people it is done with a view to gain more information from the members of the public. So, unfortunately there may be casualties along the way.”
Florence Cartwright, 85 has been a regular viewer of Crimewatch since the programme began. “I always settle down with a Fry’s chocolate bar and a nice cup of cocoa when the programme starts. This is after I’ve padlocked all the doors and windows and switched on my CCTV system. I also keep a large kitchen knife under my pillow and a couple of old scent bottles filled with hydrochloric acid by the front and back doors. I’m definitely not scared though.”
In a recent statement to police, Fred Chilton, convicted murderer and serial rapist said, “The BBC is really taking the piss. I once broke into an octogenarian’s house and saw she’d already snuffed it while the Crimewatch credits were still rolling over my mugshot. There’s just no challenge anymore.”
Meanwhile, reports that film director Quentin Tarantino has been commissioned to produce the next series of Crimewatch are “completely unfounded “ said a spokesman for the BBC.