Ireland's President today declared that the country was now "at a de-facto state of war with the Isle of Wight" and that military activities would commence "as soon as our tank is finished pulling out a tractor that got stuck in a ditch."
When asked what had brought about such a shocking state of affairs, not even Russell Grant saw this coming, President Michael D. Higgins (the D. is for "Does anyone know who I am") claimed that "It has just came to our attention that the Isle of Wight has been recently claiming to be some sort of backwater nation that is stuck in the past with a serious chip on its shoulder about their older and bigger brother nation."
"Well that's our fucking job and if they think they are taking it they've got another thing coming."
The President denied that the country would not be able to follow through on its threat after the only journalist who attended the press conference to announce the war pointed out that they would have difficulty getting the country's tank to the Isle of Wight given that the government credit card was currently over its limit and no ferry company was willing to take the booking without cash up front.
"Listen, we have money. Jimmy from up the road stuck a few quid down under his mattress in 1954 and he has gone to get it. We have already checked and given that this money was made before we joined the EU it doesn't fall under the same rules as the rest of our money so we don't have to give it straight to the Germans" retorted President Higgins.
In response to the declaration a spokes-pensioner from the Isle of Wight replied "Ireland? Are they still around. I thought they'd all ran off to America."