Are you feeling bloated? Is it the decomposition of enzymes in your stomach or the mini bus load of Lithuanian fruit pickers you massacred last night? Well, lumbering slowly round an abandoned shopping centre won't work off the excess weight. You need a more targeted fitness regime. You need Zumbie.
Taking inspiration from the Zumba craze with its programs for different age groups and abilities, Zumbie is perfectly tuned for the reanimated coffin dweller who wants to look their best. Zumbie creater, Sheila Thomas, explained more.
"My Uncle Frank passed away suddenly at a family barbeque last summer. We were all shocked by his death, but not quite as surprised as the moment when he sat back up; eyes glazed and ate the paramedic who had been treating him. Everyone ran away, but I watched from the kitchen window as he started shuffling after next doors cat. He'd never liked it after it shat on his petunias last Easter. We saw him a few times over the next couple of weeks, hobbling around the town, and I thought what a shame it was that he was so out of shape. I'd been doing Zumba for a few weeks and had lost quite a lot of weight, so that's when the idea hit me."
The Zumbie classes are normally held weekly in the early hours of the morning. As Sheila explained, "No-one else wants the Village Hall at 2.30am on a Tuesday, so I managed to get quite a good rate." Classes are taught via video link. This follows a number of incidents where actual instructors were present, but the students kept eating them.
Over the course of eight weeks, Uncle Frank went from being an overweight 68 year old corpse to a toned and healthy monster who could chase down Chav's in the local park with ease. "It was so lovely to seeing him moving freely, not being held back by his arthritis any longer. Plus it kept the teenagers off the streets, so everyone benefited."
Sheila is now franchising the Zumbie brand and encouraging other mourning families to help their recently deceased make the most of their afterlife.
Zumbie - When you thought the only burn you would feel now was in the crematorium.