The Duchess of Cambridge, in association with her parental family business, Party Pieces has launched an exciting new interactive DVD, the all new ‘Royal Voice Plan.’ The programme offers common people tuition in voice, pronunciation, elocution and presentation.
“RVP focuses on developing a high standard of spoken English combined with confident and effective communication and presentation skills,” said Jonathan Mountebank, outlandish prig and producer of the Plan. “In a unique five hour tutorial Kate teaches those with poor or non-existent royal connections about precision, clarity and accuracy in the spoken word by using a variety of simple techniques. These include developing a very tight larynx coupled with acute sphincter muscle control. The result is a strong, pleasant and well-modulated voice along with a natural, fluent and spontaneous delivery.”
Flat vowels, estuary English with glottal stops and rising inflections are totally frowned upon, however people with pert posteriors or high level social connections will be allowed the occasional lapse. “These include squiffy verbal exits from late night VIP haunts or reactions to press intrusions during intimate and private moments on luxury holidays. In short, the Royal Voice Plan offers supportive tuition which is geared towards all round social confidence in the workplace, on vacation and in royal circles.
“As well as getting a cut-glass accent anyone who purchases the Royal Voice Plan before Christmas will receive a free cut-glass decanter worth £50." Said Carole Middleton, joint director of Party Pieces and advocate of received-pronunciation. “This represents marvellous value for money for one.”
Reports that the Queen is attempting to abandon her upper crust voice for a more cockney influenced dialect have been mooted. Speculation began at the last State opening of Parliament when Her Majesty used the word ’House’ instead of 'Hice'. Royal observers have seen this as an attempt to reduce the distance between herself and her subjects.
"BBC News’ Royal correspondent Peter Hunt said, "Whilst Kate seems to be getting posher the Queen does seem to be chilling out more. A Palace insider informed me that he heard her referring to the House of Commons as the 'Ouse of Commons' in her weekly audience with the Prime Minister.”
He continued, “As the future Queen, Kate the Duchess of Cambridge is obviously keen to preserve the Royal Voice with her DVD. In fact the Queen herself was the first to order a copy.”