Gay men have declared fracking to be ‘a bit meh’, and have chosen not to include it in their lexicon of naughty experimental sex.
‘Me and my boyfriend giggled all the way to the hardware store when we first heard about it,’ said gay man Simon Fitzpatrick. ‘When we got home with all the equipment, and we looked it up, it turned out to be quite a big feat of civil engineering that would have involved doing lots of high-pressure drilling on a Welsh hillside. I liked the big rubber trousers we were supposed to wear, but I mean, Wales. Hello?
‘Fortunately I’d also bought some straws and we still had some bacon on a string in the fridge, so we got some friends round for a circle jerk over Louis on Strictly and had an early night of massive man action.’
‘We’ve seen it all before, love,’ said Kevin from Orpington. ‘Breeders can barely contain themselves when given an opportunity to name perfectly mundane practices to sound like dubious gay sex. Quantitative easing and fiscal stimulation were the last little gems dreamt up by the homo-curious public schoolboys who run things these days.
‘You all need to get out more, what with your plain vanilla wanking and your lying back and thinking of Waitrose. Sad, repressed little fuckers.’
Energy Secretary Ed Davey has moved quickly to clarify the precise meaning of fracking, and its dangers.
‘It may well involve plunging things into holes and producing potentially explosive gas from fissures, and it may well produce unexpected tremors, but it’s a large-scale commercial operation intended to extract shale gas, a type of fossil fuel, from the ground, not from another man’s bottom,’ said Mr Davey.
Despite the clarification, Christian B&B owners Joan and Martin Davenport have refused to allow two fracking engineers working for energy company Cuadrilla to share a twin room at their establishment in Ogmore-by-Sea.
‘It makes me want to vomit just thinking about it,’ said Mrs Davenport, ‘ and my husband likes to shit himself while dressed as his dead aunt.’
