Chancellor George Osborne has unveiled a new plan to get Britain out of its economic hole.
After the Conservatives privatised everything they could think of in the 1980s, they have long considered the cupboard bare of assets. Amid growing public dissatisfaction with cuts, a government think tank was set the task of identifying any remaining assets Britain has that could be sold.
Selling the Royal family was discounted for now as tourist money is seen as essential in these bleak times. However the option of marrying off some of the younger royals to Saudi princes is still being considered.
The only other asset identified is the English language itself. A plan has been drawn up to franchise the language thus retaining intellectual property rights to all works that use it. This should see countries paying for the rights to use English in forms such as “American English” and “Australian English”. In addition Hollywood studios and English-speaking music artists will be charged royalties.
Initial discussions have met with mixed reactions. US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton responded cautiously and in Mandarin stating that the US has largely been responsible for spreading English further across the globe and that Britain should be thankful as without them we would all have to speak Esperanto by now.
Hollywood moguls have called a power breakfast on Monday to consider their response. One studio head, Harvey Cigarmuncher, was quoted as saying “kiss my ass”. His donkey refused to comment.
A representative for pop star Justin Beiber advised that "he is busy learning Italian and to avoid this tax on his art he will diversify into opera”.
A further proposal to charge Americans for dropping “U”s is still in the formative stages.