After a boxing career that spanned nearly a whole evening, Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff has decided to hang up his gloves. Freddie himself was too pissed to attend the press conference, leaving his agent, Jason Sharpe, to make the announcement. “The time is right”, he said. “If Freddie continued to fight he might accidentally find himself in the ring with a man who could actually throw a punch, and this is not a risk we’re prepared to take”.
In the alphabet soup of boxing administrations, almost every man who climbs into a ring can claim to be a champion at one weight or another, so, according to the ABC (Association of Boxing Celebrities), Flintoff is currently the Shadow Boxing Champion of Accrington and East Lancashire, a title he will keep in retirement.
“Freddie is a true champion”, said Sharpe, “and he leaves the sport unbeaten. People ask who was the greatest heavyweight champion of all time, Mohammed Ali or Rocky Marciano, and who would win if they fought today. Well, it’s going to be Mohammed Ali, isn’t it? He may suffer from Parkinson's disease, but that represents almost a clean bill of health compared with Rocky Marciano being as dead as the proverbial doornail. Could Freddie beat either of these great champions? You’re damn right he could. Fortunately, he isn't going to get the chance. By quitting while he’s ahead, he can get back to what he does best... drinking beer and talking bollocks”.