Delivering his withering report on the standards of the British press, Lord Justice Brian Leveson – ‘Bri’ – said:
‘OMG, what them dodgy papers have been doin’ is bang out of order. I can’t even believe some of the stuff them doughnuts have been up to. Gettin’ on Charlotte Church’s tits for one thing. Upsetting that posh fittee wiv the great veneers, Hugh Grant, for anuvver. Not reem. Not reem at all.
‘But the journos, they ain’t happy. “You’re over-reactin’, babes,” they go to me. “You’re way OTT. You gotta let us sort this out ourselves wivout no statutory underpinnin’. Just like Amy Childs’ boobjob.”
‘Then I go, “You are jokin’ me, right? Doncha get it? If you was to do your jobs right, tell the troof and be ethical and everyfink, there wouldn’t be no need for no-one to regulate the papers.”
‘But at the end of the day, it’s all for nuffink though, ‘cos that David Cameron – you know ‘Botox Brows’ wiv the spraytan I’m well jel of – he stands up in the House of Commons and wades in wiv a killer legal argument no-one can top.
“‘Shuuuutuuuup!” he goes.’