Tesco and the NHS are piloting two schemes that will enable users to scan themselves for serious illnesses or opt for a once-and-for-all final check-out.
Tesco Head of New Ideas, Alex Fleming, said “The schemes are geared around our ethos of convenience and putting the customer first. Shoppers will be able to scan themselves for worrying lumps and bumps while they dump kids and grannies in the restaurant for a full English as they wait.”
Doctors and hard pressed nurses are also excited about the check-out scheme which they say will save people having to wait for up to six months for a hospital appointment. A spokesman for the Department of Health explained “The scheme will allow doctors to spend more time on back office issues such as target setting, financial control and the odd round of golf. Plus, anyone on the verge of death will no longer have to wait on hospital trolleys for a final check out.”
Tracy Copthorne, check out operative, former doctors' receptionist and trainee customer counsellor from Croydon explained how the check-outs will work. “In the first scheme the ‘straddle-scanner’ lets the male shopper sling his nuts into a box where some pretty red beams give them the twice over. After a couple of good swings he should get a bleep which sounds the ‘all clear’ otherwise they get the sound of an ambulance siren in full pelt. If the nuts don't scan there is always an attractive assistant there to give a hand.
The ladies scanner is at bust height and consists of two pads in which the lady compresses her bosom until it hurts. Just like the real thing except the customer decides when it hurts.
In the second scheme 'the final checkout', or the ‘death-ray scanner’ as we affectionately call it, there is an amazing coin-operated conveyor belt to transport the dying to the packing area. We’ll have teams of cub-scouts on hand to help patients get wrapped up before transporting them to the local morgue all for just a £5 delivery charge. Oh, and Tesco Reward Card points will also be automatically transferred to next of kin.”
One patient who has been waiting in a hospital queue since last March said, “It’s about time this option was set up. My only worry is getting stuck behind someone with loads of afflictions who then asks the operator for a second opinion once everything has gone through.”
Alex Fleming continued, “Self-scanning literally puts the ball in the customer's court.”
Weematt and Dick Everyman