In response to a 16 year-old swine throwing pieces of ham at a mosque in Crawley yesterday, the Pig Independence Group (or PIG for short) has set-down a series of ground rules for their use this Christmas.
Leon Snuffleton, the group’s leader, oinked, “We make the effort to get plump and tasty for your enjoyment, and all we ask for is a little respect in return.”
“We are a firmly agnostic species, and we hope that you humans will refrain from using us for any sort of religious warfare.”
“By all means stuff apples in our mouths and roast us slowly over a fire in the name of gastronomy, but don’t stuff bombs in our mouths and push us into busy shopping centres in the name of your God.”
Britain’s no.1 bacon lover Tony Munchkin cheered, “I always said they wanted to be eaten – take that vegetarians! But is there any sort of preparation they object to?”
PIG’s philosopher Snouty McSqueals grunted, “We’d rather not be wrapped round a man’s penis and fed to a dog,” before listing what else was and wasn’t acceptable for them:
“Being kept as pets is okay, as long as we’re living outside in the mud and rain, and not in the bathtub.”
“Our use in metaphors and similes is judged on a case by case basis, so ‘pigs might fly’ is good, as it is something we’ve always dreamt of doing, but ‘eat like a pig’ is a definite no-no.”
“We actually take great pride in our table manners.”
“Oh, and for all you desperate psychopaths out there, feeding us murdered or inconveniently dead humans is fine.”
“What? Don’t look at me like that, you guys are tasty. Although I’m not going to lie, I do sometimes like to pretend that I’m in Animal Farm when I’m chewing someone’s face off.”