The afterlife was in shock last night after God announced the end of his flagship policy of moving in mysterious ways, announcing a new programme of moving in ‘sober and well intentioned straight lines.’
Many of the Kingdom’s traditionalists are said to be up in arms, but the move was welcomed by some of the Everafter’s modernisers. One insider commented,
‘It’s about time we moved with the times. Don’t get me wrong, in the beginning it was great. All that stuff about talking snakes and plagues of frogs was really out there. No other deity was doing that sort of thing. But times and have changed and we need to look forward. There’s a lot of evil in the modern world, famine, malaria, the continued recording career of Chris de Burgh. God really should be cracking down on these but until now he’s just been prolonging them.’
Some are also suggesting that this is a pre-emptive move, designed to deflect attention from the recent Heavenson Enquiry which is due to publish its findings next week. The investigation into heavenly ethics, launched as a result of the recent prayer tapping scandal and chaired by the late Dame Thora Hurd, is expected to be highly critical of many senior figures in the afterlife.
One anonymous source said. ‘Everyone is bracing themselves for this. We’re all expecting Dame Thora to be pretty savage in her conclusions. There are lot of people in the Heavenly management structure who are quite literally shitting theological bricks at the moment.’
However, despite this there are still rumours that God may soon face his first leadership challenge since Ralph of Shrewsbury’s unsuccessful campaign in 1363. Potential candidates include the Archangel Michael, the late Sir Harry Secombe, and Mayor of London Boris Johnson, who has denied that his recent visit to Limbo was a publicity stunt designed to increase his profile.