Palestinian leaders have chosen Laboratoires Garnier to conduct tests that will confirm whether Yasser Arafat was poisoned with polonium-210 or other lethal substances.
‘We’ve seen their adverts and were very impressed,’ said a Palestinian official. ‘They clearly know what they are doing and are leaders in the western scientific community.
‘We did look at other experts from Italy, France and Switzerland, but they all wanted to take two scientists into the mausoleum. Garnier said they would only take one, which reduces the security risk.’
The official continued: ‘A very beautiful, tall, brunette woman with her hair tied back and no lenses in her spectacles has assured us that if there is anything there, she will find it. She then let her hair down, shook it in a very sexy way and sucked the end of her pencil. That did it for me. Allah be praised.’
A spokesbeauty for Laboratoires Garnier said: ‘We suspect polonium-210, but we’re not ruling out other possibilities, such as alpha hydoxy acids, pro-retinol, jojoba oil, pH-balancing rhino jizz or even aqua, the last two of which can be deadly in large quantities.’
Asked how it will conduct the tests, Laboratoires Garnier explained that a strikingly attractive blonde woman with perfect skin, glasses, and a clipboard will ease herself onto a highly-stylised laboratory stool, revealing shapely legs in a tight-fitting skirt, and peer into a microscope.
She will then write something on a smart clipboard, walk across the room and show the results to a handsome, grey-haired man who clearly has many years experience of looking at clipboards, but is still good for his age.
He will then nod, take the clipboard and calmly but purposefully hand the results to an attractive Asian-American woman seated at a long counter doing something technical with pipettes.
‘Our best hope at the moment is that we can pin this on a Mossad hairdresser,’ said the Garnier spokesbeauty.
‘We’re not denying it won’t be tough. Mr Arafat has been dead for eight years and we know very little about his final few days. Some of that information, now lost to us, would have provided vital clues.
‘For example, how dry and frizzy was his hair in the week leading up to his death?’
