Millions of TV viewers around the world are expected to tune in to a special 2-hour TV documentary this week, which finally reveals who shot oaken bull-necked music Svengali, Simon Cowell.
Was it his former girlfriend Sinitta, was it archrival Simon Fuller or, if conspiracy theorists are to be believed, a member of 80’s pop group Yazoo?
Streets emptied as the unbelievable news filtered through that the man responsible for Jive Bunny had been gunned down.
Fifty-three countries tuned into footage of the shooting, which has become the second most watched video on YouTube, after the Gangham-style shooting of Osama Bin Laden.
“It was just extraordinary,” comments Rock harpy Sharon Osbourne, one of around 15 million suspects. “You would expect bullets to simply bounce off that shirt-straining Popeye-like physique of his. They must have been plastic bullets."
Cowell, an intensely private and spiritual man, apparently quarrelled with the gunman prior to the shooting claiming that the gun was stupid, the gunman was pointless, murdering celebrities had been done to death and that his would-be assassin couldn’t aim for toffee.
Despite the future of Cowell’s philanthropic X Factor empire now hanging in the balance some feel the timing was just right.
“Simon Cowell being shot is probably the lifeline the X Factor needs at this point,” argues TV critic Baz Dalrymple. “Other than Bruce Forsyth being beheaded by a member of Spandau Ballet I don’t see how Strictly can compete.”
The makers of the documentary say they were surprised by the reaction that the Cowell shooting provoked. Producer Emily Drake says, “Some say that when Simon died, the music died. Only he didn’t die, he was just wounded, and not even fatally. Although, the music still died.”
She shivers and adds, “horribly.”
Det Sgt Mick Thomson said, "Despite Mr Cowell being shot several times at close range none of the bullets, understandably, found his heart.
Meanwhile, a sobbing Susan Boyle refuses to leave the site of Cowell’s shooting until he recovers, and is even ignoring the bowls of food put out for her.
"Aye, she's pining away," says onlooker Jock McIlvenny, "if she starts singing a lament I believe they're going to have her put down."