Concerned about inducing widespread public hysteria with a Sports Personality of the Year show that for once contains genuine winners, the BBC announced today that it will simultaneously broadcast an alternative, more traditionally mediocre version, accessible via the red button.
The substitute show, entitled “Jolly Good Trier of the Year”, will feature a list of sparkling names, including Tim Henman, Michael Owen, Ricky Hatton, Damon Hill and, of course, a token woman.
“Our aim is to reassure the viewer that everything is right with the world, that monochrome mundanity and failure-studded smiles are still a big part of what makes this country great,” soothed a BBC spokesman.
Highlights are rumoured to include Tim Henman teaming up with Robbie Williams to transform his fist-pump celebration into a hilarious dance routine, and Michael Owen ruthlessly beating a wheelchair-bound child, coached by an irate Neville Southall, in a table tennis match.
The public’s response to the planned celebration of humdrumness was overwhelmingly positive, with many expressing relief that they would be spared the pain of having to look into the eyes of athletes who are both tremendously successful and likable.
“Don’t get me wrong, I was ecstatic when we won everything, but now the familiar feeling of self-loathing has crept back into my gut,” said Johanna Publeak.
“The only way to keep it from consuming me is to see sports stars with their faces full of disappointment.”
Stephen Malardy complained: ”I’m still half-blind after having too much gold thrust before my eyes in the summer. It’s like I spent 3 months staring directly into the sun.”
“I want to see grey-skinned sportsmen waving their empty hands as the audience applauds pityingly.”
“If a winner does appear, then he must be like Damon Hill; a complete vortex of humanity that devours the light from his glimmering medals and fills the TV screen with a soothing white noise.”