Thought we could compile a list of essential seasonal gifts for a possible Left Alert. Feel free to lay down further items at the foot of the Christmas Tree of hope.
1. Planning an austerity celebration this year? Well, everyone will be thankful for these Scrooge Christmas Humbugs which are available from Tesco for 99p per pack (or just £2.49 for two).
2. Give the staunch Royalist in your life a chance to relive the highlights of the Queens Diamond Jubilee River Pageant. This special director’s cut edition is packed with the very best bits with a special commentary from Fearne Cotton. (Running time 90 seconds).
3. Charles Dicken’s fan? Sponsor a London Street urchin. For just £1,000 per week, Fagin’s School of Method Acting* will train a scruffy child in the art of street dexterity, and the sponsor will be cut in on the dividends. This is the gift that keeps on taking. [* CRB check applied for and will be through any day now]
4. Frozen windscreen? From the people who bought you the Gore BBQ, we have sourced the Romney windscreen scraper mitt, made from 100% redundant material. [Smear free guarantee does not apply under pressurised conditions]
5. Dreaming of a White Christmas and worried that it may not snow? Get a previously owned Frosty Instant Snowman all the way from eBay in Lapland. Literally millions of snowflakes have gone into this product which is supplied ready melted for easy posting. Package contents, Aqua (concentrated snowman) scarf, piece of coal and carrot.
6. If you want to give that special person in your life a gift that will be in everyday use, look no further than this convenient Wi-Fi enabled Toilet Tissue holder. They will think of you every time they logon.
