People who brush their teeth twice a day are much more likely to be concerned about other aspects of their general health and wellbeing, including hair tidiness and diet, say Scottish researchers.
The study, undertaken by the British Medical Journal, distanced itself from its initial results after the newly-formed Research Belittling Association pointed out that you rarely see people who can't even be bothered to lift a toothbrush nipping out to the gym twice a week, or browsing the 'Eat Well' range in Marks and Spencer's food hall.
The study of more than 11,000 adults originally announced 'statistically significant' data showing that those with poor oral hygiene had an increased risk of developing heart problems, but now admits that a lack of teeth cleaning is much more likely to highlight 'lazy fatties' and 'council house slums' than be an indicator of cardiac disease.
'If I spend all day at home, slovenly watching TV and stuffing my face with Doritos, I'm sure that changing my lifestyle to include nipping upstairs twice a day to give my teeth a quick going-over really isn't going to make my heart give a lub-dub of relief,' said Professor Robert Walmsley of the RBA.
The BMJ researchers are now making more obvious claims based on their investigation, suggesting that failure to brush teeth can directly lead to more halitosis and gum disease compared with those who actually cleaned food off their teeth from time to time before rotting and putrefaction took hold, and have promised to make sure their research is 'better thought out' in future.
Professor Walmsley is vehement about the work of the RBA, citing example after example of waste in the research sector. 'There was an even worse study genuinely undertaken last December by scientists in the South West,' he explained. 'They analysed the whiskers and claws of mink to try to learn more about their lifestyles. Seriously. What the fuck is that about?'
The RBA is keen to stamp out unnecessary and expensive research 'through effective rebuttal and pisstaking' in favour of smaller, more targeted studies which may yield useful results for society. They say their next victims will be 'everything that YouGov does, for starters' along with 'almost every science story ever published in the Daily Mail'.