Well-known non-paedophile, Lord McAlpine, is to check inside the brain of all UK residents for any thoughts that he’s a kiddy-fiddler, and then financially ruin them, his solicitor Andrew Reid announced today.
“Lord McAlpine has already made known that he plans to destroy everybody who named him on Twitter, but we feel this doesn’t go far enough,” said Reid. “That’s why we’ve also extended our campaign to include anyone who read the offending tweets, even if they immediately forgot them, as well as anyone who can spell the word Twitter.”
“We already have software that is scanning the rest of the internet for any mention of his Lordship, including anagrams of his name and this has already led to writs against Countdown and the late Richard Whiteley, but from today onwards we will also be using a Think-o-Tron 3000 Brainwave Scanner which can electromagnetically read the innermost thoughts of everyone in the mainland UK (except Nadine Dorries, who just makes it omit an unpleasant whine).
Asked whether he thought Lord McAlpine’s campaign to hunt down and punish the entire population was terrifyingly Kafka-esque, Reid replied, “We know where you live.”
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