David Cameron stated today that his robust stance on the EU budget was due to being encouraged by the Chancellor to watch SuperScrimpers on TV. The PM said he realised the UK had 'sleepwalked' into an unaffordable lifestyle.
"Frankly, in these austere times, we should take a good hard look at all the little luxuries we can't really afford or don't often use. Look how much gym membership costs, and how often have you or I been this year?" he said, modestly adjusting his cleavage.
"George says it would be cheaper to take out a subscription to a different bunch of countries, so we were planning to let the Europe thing 'lapse'. They haven't published anything funny in ages, and frankly the group activities leave a lot to be desired".
The PM outlined how the the EU Christmas Party decended into farce last year. "Angela was in charge of the transport. We thought Germany would be the obvious choice, good at trains and all that, and a dreadful minibus turned up. She insisted on sitting in Sarkozy's lap because there weren't enough seats. Silvio was in charge of the ents and hired some strippers - totally inappropriate, and as for putting Greece in charge of the drinks kitty! It didn't add up and we all had to dig deep into our pockets at the end of the night. Both Portugal and Italy whinged they'd been on mineral water the whole time and shouldn't have to pay."
"Samantha tells me most of Europe is available free online these days, though that François Hollande keeps making noises about introducing 'pay per view'."
Google Earth are denying reports that a certain Ms Merkel has offered them an 'undisclosed sum' to re-draw some boundaries on the map.