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1. 

   beau-jolly
   

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   "The duck has the answers!" shouted Nancy.
   McTavish shrugged, "What?"
   He grinned sheepishly. A small downy feather vibrated on his bottom lip. He blew but it wouldn't move. He wiped it away with a bloody hand. "Pillow fight" he suggested.

   Posted 4 months ago #
2. 

   Quaz
   

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   "Have you just been blowing a Duck?" asked Nancy, with a wiff of suspicion and Boveril?
   McTavish quickly sought an explanation.
   "No, I was just giving it mouth to beak. It was looking quite ill after it had walked into an oven set at 200 degrees and spent a while nesting in a roasting tin."

   Posted 4 months ago #
3. 

   beau-jolly
   

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   "But the duck was the key to everything" sobbed Nancy. "It would have explained the moving geography, lack of chronology, time travelling dwarves; everything!"
   McTavish failed to subdue an extravegant belch. "Ah well" he sighed "There's probably enough left for sandwiches."

   Posted 4 months ago #
4. 

   sigmund
   

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   Meanwhile, the U.S. Navy’s sixth fleet entered the South China Sea...a Wetherspoon’s-style brothel in Canton.

   Posted 4 months ago #
5. 

   Dick Everyman
   

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   Lieutenant McAllister scanned the far horizon as a faint whiff of Brothel pervaded his naval nasal passage..

   Posted 4 months ago #
6. 

   bonjonelson
   

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   Meanwhile, in nowhere particular, nothing special was going on, which was fairly usual for the time of day.

   Posted 4 months ago #
7. 

   bonjonelson
   

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   ... other than the exploding nuns being hurled over the city walls with a trebuchet.

   Posted 4 months ago #
8. 

   Dick Everyman
   

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   Duck!!!!!!!

   Posted 4 months ago #
9. 

   sigmund
   

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   'They’re hurling over-heated bottles of cheap German white wine over the walls!’ shouted Mary.

   Posted 4 months ago #
10. 

    bonjonelson
    

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    "Probably the best thing to do with them", said Fermi, who had lost all trace of any European accent.

    Posted 4 months ago #
11. 

    FlashArry
    

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    Sister Bovril heaved a deep sigh as she trudged towards the hated siege engine. Two misfires and a trigger malfunction had not put her in the best of moods : this wasn't the reason she had joined the Little Sisters of the Sainted Semtex.
    Elsewhere, her sistren were limbering up, performing last minute checks on their fuses and - in the case of Sister Malevicta - practicing her attack ululation. A duck, stunned by the high pitched wailing, struck the counterweight with a resounding thunk.
    The trebuchet crew stepped back to let the Sister pass : no man wanted to get on the wrong side of the Wimples of Mass Destruction.

    Posted 4 months ago #
12. 

    Ironduke
    

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    Sister Rebecca pushed forward, eager to be next into the trebuchet's bucket.

    'What's the range of this thing?' she asked

    Posted 4 months ago #
13. 

    FlashArry
    

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    "Just over 5000 yards" said the Chief Artillerist, proudly "But if you change your name to Sarah, it goes up to nearly 7000".
    A fleeting look of confusion scurried across his face. Pensively stroking his chin, he went on "It's something to do with the weight of those syllables, I suppose"

    Posted 4 months ago #
14. 

    sigmund
    

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    Meanwhile, just 3 miles away, Rebecca was finishing off the last of the evening’s clients with a...

    Posted 4 months ago #
15. 

    beagle
    

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    "Duck!" shouted Sister Bovril.

    "Duck? What kind?" said the Chief Artillerist lifting his head over the battlements.

    "Looks like a Silver Appleyard Duck" replied Sister Bovril (herself a keen Orthodontist) " or maybe a Buff Orpington"

    "Could be a Gimbsheimer" piped up a voice from the trebuchet crew.

    Posted 4 months ago #
16. 

    Quaz
    

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    "Never mind the Duck, what type of Nun have we got in the Tebuchet?" askeed the Chief Artillerist.

    "What kind of Nun sir?" asked young Corporal Punishment, a young whipersnapper.

    "Is she Presbyterian Fire and Brimstone or is she Catholic and full of Guilt? Better yet, if she's a bit agnostic and riddled with self doubt then she'll go to pieces when we launch her and scatter them with shrapnel. Oh, why don't we have a Mother Superior when I need one!" wailed the Chief.

    Posted 4 months ago #
17. 

    FlashArry
    

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    A peeved voice floated down from the bucket.
    "Ordnance, schmordnance, are you going to launch me or what ? My coif is chafing something terrible up here, and me cornettes getting warped".
    Bloody nuns, thought Punishment darkly, all pious volatility and no tact. Still, it's a step up from manhandling foetid diseased cattle carcasses, he mused, even if the smell is slightly worse. Mind you, the cows didn't get really fecking arsey about where you accidentally put your hands whilst loading them into the bucket.
    He signalled to the Private standing by the trigger lever.
    "Parts, oblige the sister"

    Meanwhile, back in Melrose ...

    Posted 4 months ago #
18. 

    Dick Everyman
    

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    ...there was a faint whiff of Bovril as Sven the Dwarf looked through his collection of toe-nail clippings.

    Posted 4 months ago #
19. 

    Titus
    

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    With all these nuns around, Corpral Punishment was beginning to doubt the wisdom of having women on the front line.

    "What we need" he mused "are some un-manned trebuchets ..."

    Posted 3 months ago #
20. 

    beau-jolly
    

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    Albert Hedgeworst sighed and pushed his untouched dinner away. Everyone else was enjoying watching the nuns being thrown towards the city and all he could do was just sit there staring out of the one small window. It was not the first time that week he had regretted being nailed to the floor.

    Posted 3 months ago #
21. 

    FlashArry
    

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    "It seems like a rather extreme treatment for sleep-walking" mused Albert, "but I'm sure Dr. Bastard knows what he's doing". Anyway, it was saving him a fortune in sock-laundering costs and pedicures.

    Posted 3 months ago #
22. 

    Dick Everyman
    

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    "Pedicures?" Said Sven with secateurs poised above his fungally infested toe nail...

    Posted 3 months ago #
23. 

    bonjonelson
    

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    "Didn't you die in the 1800s?" Albert asked Sven. "I could have sworn you went back in time, and then died. Please tell me what happened to you after this!"

    Posted 3 months ago #
24. 

    Quaz
    

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    Sven realised that 6 out of 7 Dwarves are not happy.

    Posted 3 months ago #
25. 

    Dick Everyman
    

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    Albert's memory lapse made Bonjo the Dwarf realise he'd forgotten to put the tablets out on his friends bedside table. Later after polishing off handfuls of purple and blue assortments they were both up and firing on all cylinders once more. Suddenly the phone rang. It was Dr. Bastard....

    Posted 3 months ago #
26. 

    Dick Everyman
    

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    "Well" said Dr Bastard, "That's the longest telephone diagnosis I've done in a long time. I think I need the toilet....."

    Posted 2 months ago #

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