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1. 

   Quaz
   

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   Douglas Adams took a look around him, was amazed to find out that he was reanimated, and disappointed to find out that there was not a hot bath readily available. Douglas realised at once that since he had died of a random act of God, and he was an avowed atheist, that God had finally spotted the paradox and rectified it.

   "So, did Steve Jobs and Jimmy Wales finally get around to building the Hitch Hiker's guide?" he asked. "Why yes" said Nancy, who had been knocking around the space time continuum quite a bit. "Here, have this iPad, but I'm note sure how good the wi-fi signal is here".

   "Good", said Douglas, knowing straight away how to use the device because he basically invented it. "I'll need a strong, hot cup of tea,a Bambleweeny 57 Sub- Meson Brain and an atomic vector plotter. And does anyone know if the Cross Street Cafe just off Upper Street in Islington is still going? I could use a decent fry up. Failing that, there used to be a nice little bakers just along the road that did cheese and ham croissants".

   Posted 6 months ago #
2. 

   bonjonelson
   

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   This was precisely the sort of thing that Alice had prepared for all her working life.

   She hit the "transform" button on the side of her neck, transformed into an 18 foot aggressive octopus, ripped Douglas Adams into three separate pieces, and ate him.

   Posted 6 months ago #
3. 

   The All New Jeni B
   

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   The 'Guide' immediately flashed the words "Don't Panic!" in large, friendly and unthreatening letters, but it was too late for Douglas.

   Posted 6 months ago #
4. 

   bonjonelson
   

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   And they all lived happily ever after

   Posted 6 months ago #
5. 

   malgor
   

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   Amen.

   Posted 6 months ago #
6. 

   The All New Jeni B
   

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   But then....

   Posted 6 months ago #
7. 

   bonjonelson
   

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   ... nothing.

   Posted 6 months ago #
8. 

   Dick Everyman
   

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   Until a strong earth tremor shook the borough of Islington sending the Cross Street Cafe just off Upper Street hurtling towards the tiny town of Melrose in the Scottish Highlands where Nancy had just cooked a perfect haggis without any commas...

   Posted 6 months ago #
9. 

   Quaz
   

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   The interesting thing about the Cross Street Cafe was that it was finitely, infinately big. That may seem like a contadiction in terms, and indeed an afront to logic. It was certainly a point that had led to some heated conversations between leading theoretical physicists as they ordered a bacon sandwich. Basically, the cafe was able to expand at will in order to fit in just one more table of hung over twenty somethings who were desperately in need of hot tea, protein and carbohydrates after a particulary grueling night out in Upper Street or Camden.

   This was partly down to a small wormhole in space that had developed at the back of the cafe after an incident with some LSD, a car battery, and a Hampster, and partly due to the handywork of Ethel. She was the large East End matriach behind the counter who knew how to wield a mean tea pot and, to quote from one of her less colourful sentences, "I Haven't lived this long without knowing a thing or two about manipulating multi-dimentional abnormalities in space".

   Nancy was to remain constantly thankful for Ethel's advice to always serve brown sauce with a refried hagis bap.

   Posted 6 months ago #
10. 

    Loundshay
    

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    Ethel had worked for Ann Summers for many years but had been unfairly dismissed for holidaying in the Isle of Wight wearing 1950s' underwear from Woolworth.

    Posted 6 months ago #
11. 

    Quaz
    

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    Wikipedia has this to say about the universe.

    “The universe is really big! Like, way bigger than you’d think. And it’s constantly expanding, so you will never be short of somewhere to put an extra sofa or air bed when friends drop by.”

    Given the incredible size of the universe you might think that it would be teeming with sentient life, all of it jabbering away like a Friday evening down the local pub. In fact, due to the immense periods of time involved in evolution, the truly staggering distances involved, and the incredible odds against a planet managing to get itself into just the correct warm deckchair around a suitable star that doesn’t then explode, it is amazing that civilizations ever start in the first place, let alone happen at the same time in the same vicinity in the same Galaxy.

    The only known incident of alien contact occurred in the Andromeda Galaxy some 12,000 years ago. After many hundreds of years of contact using immensely powerful Maser signals and quantum computers, both civilizations finally constructed massive space ships upon which entire generations of their races would live and die. They finally met in a Harvester restaurant somewhere in deep space. The whole thing ended up being deeply embarrassing and neither of them ever called the other one back.

    Posted 6 months ago #
12. 

    Dick Everyman
    

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    Meanwhile, back in Melrose there was a faint whiff of Marmite....

    Posted 6 months ago #
13. 

    The All New Jeni B
    

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    And a distant rumble, as though a band of Claymore wielding horsemen were charging across the horizon...

    Posted 6 months ago #
14. 

    Ironduke
    

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    ...having done a runner on the bill at the Royal Tandoori; 42 pints of McEwans, 14 poppadums, 6 vindaloos and a biryani for Camp Nigel. That distant rumble was growing louder and suddenly those claymore's weren't being wielded with quite the same elan. McTavish challenged his loyal clansmen to one final effort...'They may take our livers, but they'll never take our...

    Posted 6 months ago #
15. 

    Dick Everyman
    

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    ...organ donor cards.

    Posted 5 months ago #
16. 

    The All New Jeni B
    

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    Despite the lack of viable organs to donate the blood wagons stood by, trying to catch the eye of a tall, blonde, strapping vision of a...

    Posted 5 months ago #
17. 

    Ironduke
    

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    ...Tory mayor.

    Posted 5 months ago #
18. 

    Dick Everyman
    

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    His new hand and wig transplant made him look strangely alluring. He struggled to write the text message he wanted to send to Sven the dwarf as his new fingers flopped all over the keys of his blackberry and his wig dropped forward over his brow. "Bloody NHS he muttered."

    Posted 5 months ago #
19. 

    Ironduke
    

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    "Bloody doctor's handwriting. Heart and lung transplant" he wheezed. "Heart and lung transplant it should say! What the fuck have you done to me?"

    Posted 5 months ago #
20. 

    beau-jolly
    

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    ...and hang on! Who's bloody hand is this? It's not even the right colour, and it's got 6 slightly webbed fingers. "It's Norfolk and good" came a muffled and, to be fair, ambiguous whelp from behind the screen.

    Posted 5 months ago #
21. 

    Loundshay
    

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    It was the hand of...

    Posted 5 months ago #
22. 

    Not Amused
    

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    ...Ann Widdecombe's norfolk cousin.

    Posted 5 months ago #
23. 

    beau-jolly
    

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    It took McTavish a little while and quite a bit of back-scrolling to remember who he was.
    "So", he thought. "Now I have not only a new, webbed hand but also a scrolled back. Whatever next?"
    Looking around the cubicle his attention was drawn to a pair of orange webbed feet sticking out from under the curtain.

    Posted 5 months ago #
24. 

    beau-jolly
    

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    McTavish stood where he was, staring at his big webbed hand. A mop of damp blond hair half covered his face and he was still smarting from the intricate scrollwork on his naked back.
    The duck cocked his head. "Quack?" he ventured.

    Posted 5 months ago #
25. 

    Dick Everyman
    

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    Not that feckin' duck again...

    Posted 5 months ago #
26. 

    bonjonelson
    

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    Suddenly there was an enormous thud.

    Karl Thud, six foot four, had broken down the door with his knee and wandered in to the room.

    "I bring bad news", Karl said, "the Continuity Editor is dead."

    McTavish was horrified.

    She wandered out of the cinema into the bright, moonlight night. Thankfully, she seemed to have lost the chicken.

    Posted 5 months ago #
27. 

    Ironduke
    

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    ..in a thunderous ankle-wrenching parabolic vomit.

    Posted 5 months ago #
28. 

    Dick Everyman
    

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    Suddenly a faint whiff of Bovril with an undercurrent of Marmite filled the air. The reassuring figure of Nancy McAllister, fresh from her crypt in the relocated Scottish Highland town of Melrose appeared. Luckily the battery in her cell phone had not died with her and she opened the text message from Sven the Dwarf. It said.....

    Posted 5 months ago #
29. 

    The All New Jeni B
    

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    "Szrojhaihkrndfj fureh adfj aadjf nvch@%^&dhfnnf" due to the duck in his pocket accidentally typing with his feet...

    Posted 5 months ago #
30. 

    Dick Everyman
    

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    ....that feckin' duck...

    Posted 5 months ago #

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