Alice knew she had to return to Edinburgh the following Monday, whether her work at Melrose was complete or not. This gave her less than 100 hours, and she knew that Enrico Fermi would not at all be pleased if she failed.
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(146 posts) (24 voices)
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The All New Jeni B
offlineMemberAlex wondered why all the clean fresh Scottish water had suddenly drained into a reservoir in Surrey.
Posted 5 months ago # -
Dick Everyman
offlineMemberHe also wondered what he was doing in 1935 and why a faint smell of Bovril was pervading his nostrils. Perhaps it was the memory of his great grandmother's next door neighbour, Nancy McAllister before her house was unfortunately bulldozed and her baking was ruined. Whatever it was he suddently felt the urge to quit politics and retrace his ancestors. After hours pouring through county records in Swindon library on the beautiful Scottish borders he discovered the mysterious Sven the dwarf and his affair with his Aunt Alice. It literally took him back in time to Sven and Alice's story and the strange case of Enrico Fermi...
Posted 5 months ago # -
Oxbridge
offlineMember..but unfortunately no-one could be arsed to look up who Enrico Fermi was, least of all Alex. After all, he was deeply embroiled in the negotations about a Scottish independence referendum and a place on the Christmas edition of Strictly Come Dancing at the time. 'I suppose I'll make do with Erin,' he mused to himself. 'That Muamba bloke's got Aliona and he'll have the sympathy vote hoovered up before he sets a foot on the floor'.
Leaving the county library in Swindon with the clinching evidence in his hand, Alex started to walk the short distance back to his ancestral home in the Scottish borders. After an hour, he realised he was hopelessly lost. The curse of Swindon's infamous roundabout system had struck again...
Posted 5 months ago # -
Dick Everyman
offlineMember....was transported back to 1935 to campaign on behalf of Aunt Alice's everywhere who had been pestered by stalking dwarfs. She checked herself into a small B&B in the town of Melrose which was now in the Scottish Highlands. A bull dozer was parked beneath her window and she could smell a faint whiff of Bovril....
Posted 5 months ago # -
Oxbridge
offlineMember..."Howay man," said Cheryl. "Ah knaa ah'm thuh nurtion's sweetheart'n'aall but nah way am ah gannin to bed with some wet slimy thing that's norreven human like. Ah told Cowell that too."
Unfortunately, she had forgotten to switch on the subtitles. Taking this as his cue, Alex the Salmon leapt like, well, a salmon. Cheryl squealed A faint smell of Bovril filled the air...
Posted 5 months ago # -
bonjonelson
offlineMember"We must rebuild Melrose", Sven exclaimed. "If I can come back from the dead, so can this house."
Alice knew there was not enough time for this, and if the pact between Adolf Hitler and the time-travelling Alex Salmond was to be stopped, she had to make her move now.
Posted 5 months ago # -
The All New Jeni B
offlineMember...and took over the role from Kevin McThingummy, a descendant of the Clan McThingummy of Glen Wharsat, ancesteral rivals of the Salmond Clan...
Posted 5 months ago # -
DustyBinLaden
offlineMember"We can do this, Alice," said Sven, grabbing a ladder and a saw. "By the way, this is not my real ladder. It's my step ladder."
"And I've got a crowbar," said Alice, "for when you're finding it difficult to get any more old jokes into the narrative."
"Great," said Sven. "You get started on clearing the rubble and I'll sit on the step ladder and play the saw."
Alice worked long into the night, serenaded by the ghostly wah-wah of Sven's saw playing.
As dawn broke, she stood up and wiped the sweat from her mono-brow. As she did so, she spied something strange coming towards her across the heath.
Posted 5 months ago # -
Otto Jespersen
offlineMember'TROOLLLLL!' bellowed she. For it was a troll, und trolls demand such vocal warninks.
Big und granity, moss-shrouded, carryink einen stonen blammersmashstick-clobberbau: Alice would piss this stone wanker und return to Sven mitt not einen sweat-drop.
Der troll knew of this, Alice was much feared in der troll nursery rhymeland. 'Bollocks', declared der troll, und slopeded off.
Posted 5 months ago # -
beau-jolly
offlineMemberMeanwhile in the outer Hebrides wild Jock McTavish, private pilot and professional stereotype roughly brushed his flame red beard from his eyes and gunned the little plane's engine as he swerved to face the take off strip.
"Yee'll ne'er tack me alive ya bastard coppers" he screamed as the plane bucked and roared before finally taking to the air in a haze of smoking tartan.DCI Mordor scratched his head and stared after the diminishing airbourn dot. "So close" he though. Just the scorch marks on the tarmac and the hauntingly familiar wiff of Bovril...
Posted 5 months ago # -
sigmund
offlineMemberAt that moment, Frodo and Sam decided to take a break from their quest to Mount Doom and went to visit ‘Bovril Land,’ a theme-park near Gondor. It was off-season, and the only other tourists there were Dale and Irene Schwarzwald, from Tampa, Florida, who were touring Middle Earth in their Winnebago. Dale was a retired dentist, and Sam had to restrain a snigger when Dale referred to "filling all Irene’s cavities.” Frodo was upset, however, when Dale suggested getting “one of those big eagles to carry you to Mount Doom, instead of walking.”
Sam bought a souvenir jar of Bovril, and decided that, for a laugh, he’d smear the seat of Frodo’s trousers with some while he was asleep; “in the morning, he’ll think he’s cacked himself, the pompous little twat.”
Back in Scotland, DCI Mordor, who’d often wondered about the origins of his name, shook his head; it made a small rattling noise, and a small plume of bovril scented smoke came out of his left ear.Posted 5 months ago # -
Dick Everyman
offlineMemberMeanwhile, back in the Highlands Sven the Dwarf was just laying the last tile on Alice's new roof in a force 10 gale when he caught a faint wiff of Bovril.
Perhaps Frodo was on his way? He had heard that his tiny friend Frodo had converted to the salty meat extract after visiting Bovril Land - "funny," he thought, "I always thought he was a Mar-Mite"
Posted 5 months ago # -
beau-jolly
offlineMemberThe local hacks were in a feeding fenzy as they rushed to the scene of the disaster. All that was left of the plane was a tartan tail fin protruding from the freshly cleared rubble. Alice has seen it coming in low across the heather and thought at first it was a giant eagle. As it sped towards the rubble heap she could clearly see the wild staring eyes and gaping scream of McTavish, his white knuckles gripping the joy stick.
"Mordor?", speculated Jim White of the Echo. "Aye" Mused his trusty photographer, "But more likely suicide".Posted 5 months ago # -
The All New Jeni B
offlineMemberThe journalist gave his photographer a long hard stare. His habit of making quips was becoming quite Hobbit forming.
"Hud oan, here," said Jim, "There appears to be a desperate message written on the cockpit in lipstick! It says..."
Posted 5 months ago # -
Psycadelic Squirrel
offlineMemberAs the train clattered across the trans-Minch railway DCI Mordor read the headline news in the Sun Disnae Shine:
"Winston Churchill booted out of the jungle!!!".
He shook his head in despair. The refreshment trolley approached preceded by the strong, yet enticing whiff of Bovril...
Posted 5 months ago # -
Lesse Bigg
offlineMemberIt was a rich aroma, which reminded him of Cameron. The very thought of that made him sick in his mouth. "This bovril repeats on you", he thought loudly. "Just like a part-time prime minister. And that Clegg is a complete and utter cunt."
Posted 5 months ago # -
bonjonelson
offlineMemberMordor arrived at the house in the early evening. Sven had been putting the final touches to the crenellations around the newly reconstructed servants quarters above the banqueting hall. DCI Mordor, who had no first name, admired Sven's handywork.
"For a wee chap you do seem to work very hard", he said.
Sven glared at Mordor, and scurried back off to work.
Alice beamed. Finally the old house was back to normal. But she sensed something was very wrong.
"I'm afraid I may have to arrest you for breaking the second law of thermodynamics," Mordor said matter-of-factly to Alice. "I'm not sure what it's all about, but apparently it's quite serious."
Alice gasped. Could Fermi have double-crossed her?
Posted 5 months ago # -
The All New Jeni B
offlineMemberSpeaking in French, Fermi closed the door...
Posted 5 months ago # -
Otto Jespersen
offlineMember"Knowink of foreign tongues can close so many doors", said Fermi, leerink smugly. "Also, in norwichian 'door' sounds to us like 'wefuckhorses'."
Fermi unmounted his steed, confused and feelings of dirt down to the knee balls. It was long ride, finishing not in happy endinks. The cleaners knew of his secrets alright: 18 hans is a lot to keep un der wraps. More so the mountink horse ploppy plops.
Posted 5 months ago #
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