Women are going to need to seriously ‘man up’ before they’re given a shot at the top jobs in the church, claims a leading bishop.
‘Women just don’t make great paedophiles, queer bashers or warmongers,’ commented the Right Reverend Charles McGregor, Bishop of Dartford, who voted against the ordination of women bishops.
Bishop McGregor is a member of Reform, the Evangelical pressure group committed to reforming the church back to where it started in 1534.
‘We believe in the sanctity of secret relationships between god-fearing priests and priest-fearing children, zero tolerance on benders and lezzers, and the right to rain bombs down from the sky using giant flying machines built by men for men. The only way we’re going to achieve that is by having men in charge of things.
‘In this respect, all of the major religions of the world are agreed. Of course, that doesn’t stop us from regularly going postal on each other over who has the best god (even though my god is actually champion boxer of the world).
‘The last thing we need is the fairer sex coming in and ruining things, smelling of scones and with their soft hair and those bumps on their chest. They bleed, you know. Once a month, from their vaginas.’
The Church of England is exempt from laws on equality, but this is now being questioned again by opponents who believe the church should fall into line with the rest of the country in not being allowed to discriminate on the grounds of race, gender or sexuality.
‘Spoilsports and bottom-defiling homos, the lot of them,’ said Bishop McGregor. ‘Using selective scripture to promote our hypocritical moral myopia is what we do best.’
The Reverend Lucy Winkett, who would have been a contender for ordination as a bishop, said that the Church of England Synod was ‘detonating its credibility with contemporary Britain.’
‘I’m pretty certain she’s a witch, and worse, possibly even a lesbian,’ responded Bishop McGregor.
‘She brings baby sandwiches to work. Or maybe they’re haslet. Either way, that, my friend, is pure evil in a dress.’
