Pope Benedict XVI is to launch his brand new coffee table book, ‘Celibate: A Year of Abstinence for Families and Friends with Benefits’ in time for Christmas.
Inspired by Pippa Middleton’s book ‘Celebrate: A Year of Festivities for Families and Friends’, Pope Benedict XVI spotted a huge gap in the market after her widely criticised book sank into oblivion.
Vatican publishers, Diavolo Press, are said to be ‘flagellating with excitement’ about the potential of ‘Celibate’ and have, according to sources, already signed the Pontiff up to a three-book deal including, ‘Exorcism: A Year of Possession for Families and Fiends’ and ‘Confession: A Year of Guilt Trips for Families and Ex-Friends.’
Daily Mail book reviewer, Jan Moir said “ 'Celibate' is perfect for the average housewife and party-planner who need tips on a life of clean living and godliness. In a chapter entitled ‘Soppressione’ readers learn how to suppress sexual urges and the Pope puts forward some very useful distractions.”
For example, for pagans he suggests going out naked in the freezing cold on Bonfire Night and building a bonfire with their stashes of porn instead of well-known catholic effigies.
For Halloween, he suggests lacing everyone’s pumpkin soup with bromide and serving it in hollowed-out sheep’s skulls.
At Christmas, instead of a morning lie-in leading to “occupations of the flesh”, he advises parents to get the kids out of bed and invite them into their bedroom for pillow fights and arguments over the Xbox control.
Author and boring academic Melvyn Bragg said, ” ‘Celibate’ is just the latest of many steps in the Pope’s bid to become the world’s leading party pooper. Had he taken a leaf from the book of 15th century Pope Alexander IV, he could have really shown us how to party. That guy really knew what to do with candles at Christmas.”
In a timely addendum the Pope has included a chapter entitled ‘Perché’ or ‘Why?’ which examines the role of women in the Church.