Much of the Britain is bracing itself tonight after experts predicted that the country was due for another round of interminable news stories about the weather.
Following last week’s floods, an unprecedented number of shrieking, ill-informed newspaper headlines were recorded, and experts say that this could now continue well into December.
Sarah Mayhew, Emeritus Professor of Reactionary Bile at Luton University explained:
‘There has always been a link between periods of bad weather and squawking, scientifically dubious articles.
For instance, after the floods of 2007 there was a 26% rise in articles announcing the coming of a rain based Armageddon, however the figures the first two weeks of November alone are astonishing.
Headlines such as ‘Worst Deluge Since Biblical Times’,’EU to Blame for Flood Apocalypse’ & ‘Help! We’re all going to die!’ have increased fivefold on the same period last year.
And while there has been a 15% surge in photo spreads of British people being ‘plucky’ this is more than offset by the 64% rise in intellectually stunted columnists proclaiming that this is the final nail in the coffin for the theory of global warning.’
Broadcast news has not escaped either. An independent report commisioned by the Institute of Journalism found a 14 % increase in footage of pensioners futily erecting a few sandbags in a kitchen that hasn’t been refurbished since the early seventies, and the biggest rise since records began in film of people paddling a canoe past their front garden whilst carrying a Jack Russell.
However it's the Print Media that remains the biggest area of concern. Readers of the Daily Mail were considered particularly at risk, with experts warning of heavy downpours of headlines about how strong winds and flooding may affect house prices, while readers of the Daily Express were advised to stop reading the sodding thing and get a life instead.