The Chancellor of the Exchequer today unveiled the government's latest scheme to boost the nation's flagging economy which, he claimed, will help reduce unemployment, increase public revenue and provide an appropriate outlet for repressed middle-class violence.
Under his controversial new proposals, anyone who has claimed benefits for more than six months will have to consent to the new "Kick-Start The Economy" scheme or risk losing their benefits.
This scheme gives a person who is not in receipt of benefits the right to meet with anyone who has signed up the scheme and kick them in the balls, subject to payment of a £100 per kick levy to the government.
At present, the scheme only applies to male benefit claimants, but there are plans to extend it to women within the next twelve months. The government has not yet decided how it will apply the scheme to women but have stated that it would need to be some form of punishment that would cause them a similar level of pain and distress to being kicked in the balls, for example, leaving a wet towel on the bed.
"It's the ideal solution in that it provides a clear incentive for people to get off benefits and gives rich people the opportunity to both legally attack poor people and raise more public funds,"said The Chancellor. "It's the "ebony cane and caviar" approach, or "carrot and stick" as I think you people call it."
Despite the Chancellor's ringing endorsement of the scheme, it has met with opposition from a number of quarters, including human rights groups who have labelled the proposals as barbaric. However, several prominent Tory MPs have also voiced concerns at the prospect that they would have to pay the government for the right to kick poor people, describing it as "communism."
However, the Chancellor has dismissed these concerns. "We've tried all sorts of things to sort these scroungers out and nothing has worked", he said. "Quite frankly, the only solution I can see is to kick them squarely in the balls."