Following a Daily Mail report claiming an epidemic of bored stiff, binge-drinking, wine guzzling over-65's will all die of liver failure unless they stop drinking more than a tiny glass-a-day, Billingsgate fishmonger, Alf Cattermole, has come up with an original 'change of lifestyle' cure.
53 year old Mr Cattermole, a keen wine and malt whisky drinker, underwent triple heart by-pass surgery last year after surviving two major strokes and a near-fatal coronary thrombosis. He has since made a full recovery. But has been advised to swap his 40-per-day cigarette habit for plenty of long walks followed by an early night with a strong statin - washed down by a glass of water.
“That Daily Mail wants everyone to live forever in total misery,” moaned Alf today. “But I ought to be dead. Like millions of others I should have died peacefully in my fifties of a sudden heart attack. Not left to die of boring old age, depression and liver disease, soaked in alcohol and dosed up to the eyeballs with heart pills.”
Having been told by specialists to expect at least another 20 years excellent service from his healthy liver, Mr Cattermole has now decided to stick with the fags, throw away his statins and let life take its natural course.
“Liver disease is for mugs,” he revealed. “I'm donating mine to charity. Let some other superannuated, teetotal, fart of an octogenarian have it. I'm gonna uncork the Chateauneuf-du-Pape, open up the single malt - and stand by to go out with a bang.”