In an attempt to get Britain’s beleaguered finances under control, Chancellor George Osborne has revealed that a Swearing Tax is to be introduced in the next Budget. At a basic rate of 25p per expletive, he hopes to raise more than £1 billion over the Easter period alone and intends to use it to finance good causes such as quantitive easing and bank bailouts.
“It is planned that every workplace, home and drinking establishment will be equipped with a Smart Expletive Meter,” announced Mr. Osborne this morning whilst fishing in the Regent’s Park Canal. “And a team of civil servants will be recruited to monitor postings on Twitter for any sign of foul-mouthedness,” he added. “This simple measure will raise much needed monies at a time of national austerity, and protect children at the same time. So I for one think it is awesome.”
It is expected that certain profanities will attract a much higher rate of tax, although relief will be available to specified groups such as builders and serving police officers.
Barry Flintlock, a plumber from Hatfield Peverel, is not so sure. “We had one of those boxes in the Rotary Club. It worked for a while, but people soon started to use the word ‘feck’, like they do on Father Ted, and before we knew it, our coffers were empty. There’s some kid in Darfur with a sodding great worm in his leg thanks to that brilliant idea.”
George Osborne is not impressed by such arguments, and already has legislation in mind that will clamp down on such avoidance schemes.
“People may think that they can make a monkey out of Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs, but they’ll be shitting cash in my direction once we have the technology integrated into set top boxes and mobile phones,” he told Newsnight reporter Jeremy Paxman.
A spokesman for a prominent TV chef – who wishes to remain anonymous at this time – last night failed to be drawn on the matter and simply said “Jesus H. Christ. That little dirtbox really knows how to get on my tits.”