In a surprising turn of events, the Church of England’s governing General Synod reconvened last night and overwhelmingly approved the right of former Radio 1 disc jockeys to be confirmed as bishops, along with owners of children’s homes, arms dealers and premier league footballers.
‘Women just don’t make great paedophiles, sex pests or warmongers,’ commented Reverend John McGregor, who the day before had voted against the ordination of women bishops but in favour of the canonisation of Jimmy Savile.
‘We believe in the sanctity of secret relationships between god-fearing priests and priest-fearing children, and the right of men to touch women inappropriately or rain bombs down from the sky. The only way we’re going to achieve that is by having the right men in the top jobs. In this respect, all of the major religions of the world are agreed.
‘The last thing we need is the fairer sex coming in and ruining things, smelling of scones and with their soft hair and those bumps on their chest. They bleed, you know. Once a month, from their vaginas.’
The Church of England is exempt from laws on equality, but this is now being questioned again by opponents who believe the church should fall into line with the rest of the country in not being allowed to discriminate on the grounds of race, gender or sexuality.
'Spoilsports and bottom-defiling homos, the lot of them,' said a spokesperson for the House of Laity, whose vote swung the decision against women bishops. 'Using selective scripture to promote our hypocritical moral myopia is what we do best.'
The Reverend Lucy Winkett, who would have been a contender for ordination as a bishop, said that the Synod was ‘detonating its credibility with contemporary Britain.’
‘I’m pretty certain she’s a witch and possibly even a lesbian,’ responded Bishop Charles Tweebury, a member of Reform, the Evangelical pressure group committed to reforming the church back to where it started in 1534.
‘She brings baby sandwiches to work.’