The Turkeys of England narrowly rejected a motion yesterday that promised to replace old-fashioned Christmas carnage with a bright, death-free 21st century future, due to strong opposition from traditional wings of the shed.
'I'm not a self hating turkey,' said a retired bird from Ipswich and member of the Cage of Lay-it-y, 'but my mother taught me to know my place. We were told as eggs we could do anything we liked - accountant, racing driver you name it - as long as we accepted that,one day, we would end up lying on our backs, feet behind our ears with a carrot up our arse, waiting for Gas Mark 5. If God had meant us to fly, he wouldn't have invented the glass oven shelf'
Senior flock leaders voted overwhelmingly in favour of plans to replace the annual ritual of humiliation and carnage with a more vegetarian rite, but were narrowly beaten by representatives of the rank-and-filed beaks. Some opposing the idea believed it to be their ordained role in life to be ceremonially slaughtered and trussed up, while others felt the decision could not be made without consulting all poultry currently destined for the dining table, including European birds. 'As English Turkeys we clearly can't fly in the face of Italian chickens and Greek geese, or they might come over and shit on our heads' gobbled an old black-feathered Turkey wearing an Italian chicken costume. 'Although, come to think of it, they already do come over and shit on our heads'.
The non-Turkey world has reinforced its view that turkeys are ripe for the eating. 'They're just sitting ducks as far as I'm concerned' said a metropole. 'And no, I haven't visited one of their Norfolk sheds, not even the big pointy one in Norwich'