In a welcome move by Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, all State-run schools are to receive Eton style make-overs in a bid to highlight the Government’s pledge that “we are all in this together.“
Dubbed ‘The Eton Template’ all schools will receive a massive cash injection wherever their location. David Cameron, himself a former Etonian said, “If an Eton education was good enough for me and my Cabinet then it is good enough for the nation’s children, whatever their class. It is our aim to create a completely level playing field and the playing fields of Eton are a perfect place to start.”
The Template includes the provision of purpose built Music and Classics school rooms; banqueting halls; health spas; cricket pavilions; hockey pavilions; cloisters; all-weather pitches; canteens for ancillary staff; stables; new organs for school chapels (faith schools only); beagles kennels; refurbished quadrangles and staff cottages.
The news was greeted with enthusiasm by one inner London school which is currently under special measures. Head teacher, Martin Chambers, said, “The kids here are really excited. We already have the new 'Eton Blue' school uniforms on order including straw boaters, bow ties and breeches to replace standard hoodies and trainers. In a place where gang culture is rife this will certainly help to relieve neighbourhood tensions.”
Other developments will include new rowing centres consisting of 2,000 metre rowing lakes, boathouses, arboretums and nature reserves.
Asked how the Eton Template would be funded, Mr Gove said that the cost of re-furbishing England’s 3,127 maintained secondary schools would be met by kind hearted widows and benefactors, legacies, dormant bank accounts and a 50% increase in VAT as well as more cuts to thousands of council services. More than 3 million pupils are to benefit under the new proposals.
One pupil from Walthamstow said “I is looking forward to learnin’ the Classics like Pluto and all that, an’ wearin’ the boata which is wicked. I definitely ain’t doin no bum boy faggin though.”
Head teacher Martin Chambers continued, “I’m not sure yet where we are going to locate the rowing lake and nature reserve, but we have one nearby sink-estate which is just ripe for demolition.”