UK newspaper the Daily Mail has confirmed that a website which automatically generates newspaper headlines is part of its own internal computer network and has been used since 1991 to create almost every headline the tabloid has published.
The Mail's computer system has kept pace with technology and now takes feeds directly from social networking sites to make sure that it is aware of current fears and prejudices sweeping the nation.
The results are transferred to an outsourcing centre in Mumbai, where sweatshop workers thrash out hasty articles based on the computer's headlines. Everything is vetted by Conservative central office before publication, with typical output from the system being recent articles 'ARE WORKING MOTHERS RUINING HOUSE PRICES?' and 'HAVE HOODIES GIVEN BRITAIN'S SWANS CANCER?'.
Paul Dacre, editor of the Mail for the last 18 years, claims that automatically generated headlines are no less valid than those written by people, but admits that 'on occasion' the headline generator has caused some problems for the paper. 'Our entire anti-MMR campaign was sparked by a generated headline,' he laments, 'which, on reflection, was a bloody stupid idea.'
'We did try using it to auto-generate the copy too,' said Dacre dolefully, 'but nothing it created could quite match up to the right-wing vehemence that Richard Littlejohn can put out, even when the machine went on a three-day rant about HIV-infected muslims taking all of the country's top jobs.'
The website, originally regarded as a comedic spoof, received publicity through links posted across Facebook and Twitter. Thanks to regular reposting, the Mail's system has started referencing the paper in its own headlines, including an immensely ironic article published on page 17 of the latest edition titled 'DAILY MAIL CAUSES CANCER' which the system based on an undercover investigation by the News of the World. The Sunday tabloid believes that the website is run almost exclusively by illegal immigrants 'to keep costs down', most of whom have developed brain tumours thanks to x-ray emissions from their ageing computer monitors.
Dacre is unrepentant, claiming that the automatic systems have kept his paper consistent for nearly twenty years. 'The fact that, for example, today's front page story HAVE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS CAUSED RISING OBESITY IN CHILDREN? was computer-generated does not invalidate it in any way,' stormed Dacre. 'It's also scientifically proven that living within a mile of Gypsies is the third largest cause of Alzheimer's after voting Labour and eating GM parsnips. Look it must be true, it's in a sidebar on the front page of the Mail!'