Sally White, from the Food Standards Agency, explained the new animal welfare proposals. “Consumers don’t want animals to be harmed unnecessarily, but in times of recession they don’t want to pay premium food prices either. So we’ve introduced the ‘slightly humane’ accreditation - a realistic compromise, we think, between battery-farmed and free-range, aimed at salving the conscience of the ‘quite concerned’.
“While animals will have the freedom of larger pens, they may be mistreated on occasion, just to remind them who’s in charge. If they’re fed shit, we guarantee that it will be good British shit, no foreign rubbish. And we think that animals have the right to enjoy at least one sexual experience, possibly consensual, with either one of their own kind or a resentful and lowly-paid farm worker.
“When the time comes to send them to the slaughterhouse, the animals will be told they’re going on holiday. Somewhere nice and hot, which is why the turkeys will need their feathers plucked. A deluded animal is a relaxed animal; they’ll be killed, by a metal bolt fired through the brain, while they’re distracted by the holiday brochures.
“We hope these measure will answer the half-hearted questions that moderately concerned consumers typically ask, while for food producers it’s pretty much business as usual. Let’s face facts: if a man can't introduce a lorryload of condemned meat into the food chain, then this is a sad and sorry world indeed”...