After years of indecision and holy fights with his conscience God has finally decided to save the Queen.
In news released today by God’s chief messenger, the Archangel Gabriel it was revealed that the Almighty has grown tired of despatching monarchs over the centuries and now wants to maintain the status quo. “Arrows through eyes, decapitations, disembowelment and death by syphilis hath been the fate of Kings and Queens for nigh on a thousand years,” said Gabriel “Thus God hath decreed that it would be less fraught to hang on to Elizabeth II for at least the next millennium.”
Saving the Queen will allow God to concentrate on other major issues ranging from starvation in Africa to providing hearts to bankers, directors of utility companies and politicians.
In an exclusive interview with 'Hello' Gabriel revealed that God quite liked the current Queen, not only because of her tasteful wardrobe but because she loves horses. “He hath four trusted steeds himself, which he hopes, one day to take on a gallop.”
The news will come as a welcome relief to millions of people around the world who have been subjected to singing Britain’s dreary national anthem.
“At last we can kick off major international football tournaments without having to mouth those brain numbing lyrics,” said Roy Hodgson England’s national football team manager. “There’s nothing more embarrassing than watching a dense team line up trying to remember the words.”
But there has been some disappointment in God’s latest decree, most notably by the current heir to the throne, Prince Charles. In an off guarded moment on an excursion to the Great Barrier Reef he was heard to say, “Fuck, fuck and triple fuck. However, 'Jerusalem' has always been a personal favourite of ones.”