The internet is to close this weekend for urgent engineering work.
The shadowy committee of warlords, senior politicians and nerds who operate the global network on which mankind is now totally reliant said that the move was necessary in order to hoover behind the computer through which all web traffic is routed. They advised users to seek alternative means of sending huge amounts of data in a microsecond, or to go outside in the fresh air for once in their sorry cloistered lives.
"Over the past 15 years a large amount of dust, hair and crumbs have accumulated behind the computer which controls the internet" said a technician. "It's getting pretty disgusting behind there in fact. I think I saw a mouse the other day. Through this short closure we hope to hoover behind the computer and to remove a piece of chewing gum currently clogging one of the USB ports."
Global internet users debated the issues in online forums and concluded that a single weekend without access to social media, online shopping or hardcore pornography was a small price to pay for the removal of the household dirt.
"Sure it's a little inconvenient" said one, "but you can't put a price on good hygiene. I can go outside, maybe."