A hard-bitten New York cop is looking forward to a leisurely retirement tonight after failing to be killed in the line of duty during his last week in work.
Luckily for Danny Nimzowitch, his retirement has coincided with a surprise lull in street crime on the East Street Precinct, due, in part, to a spontaneous outbreak of good will between two feuding drug gangs who vowed to turn over a new leaf and take up a policy of selling drugs responsibly.
As a result, Nimzowitch spent the last few days of his career buried ‘up to his ass’ in paperwork before handing in his badge last Friday, whereupon staff threw a surprise party, presenting him with a ‘retirement cake’ which had been specially prepared to take into account his nut allergy.
Nimzowitch’s department has seen a spate of tragic deaths among senior officers on the verge of retirement. Most recently, Nimzowitch’s colleague of forty years, Dirk Weinbecker, was killed on his last day by a falling espresso machine. And the previous Fall, his mentor and inspiration, Jack Spinks, 55, walked into his bank off-duty only to be confronted by a Parkinson’s sufferer waving an AK-47 on which he had forgotten to put the safety catch.
‘Although he was an asshole, Spinks’ death was the forty-eighth preventable death of its kind among officers in their last week of duty ,’ said Sammy Le Vito, NYPD’s Chief of Police. ‘It’s gotten to the point where my men refuse to speak to somebody about a pension plan. ‘
Last night Crime Fiction writer, Paul Euster, described Nimzowitch as a complete nightmare, holding him personally responsible for a ‘block to his creative process’. ‘What is unacceptable is that Nimzo was filling out forms when just two blocks away a potential suicide, armed with a syringe full of HIV, was threatening to throw himself off a badly-maintained balcony.’ said Euster.
Meanwhile, Nimzowitch’s wife Jackie is breathing a huge sigh of relief and is looking forward to a lengthy retirement with her husband of twenty-five years.
‘It’s so great to have Danny around ,’ she said , wiping away a tear. ‘The kids have got their father back and it’s real nice for Danny to be able to more spend time indulging his favourite hobby of vertical cliff climbing without a harness.’