Generations of Army recruitment guidelines are due to be scrapped after the discovery that only brave, well-liked and outstanding soldiers are killed in combat.
'We couldn't help noticing that the obituaries were always suspiciously favourable,' said Mark Wilson, the scientist behind the project. 'Further analysis showed that not once in 150 years has a soldier been buried who was a quivering coward, an unfit slob or a lazy, disorganised embarrassment to his regiment. We then realised we'd cracked it, and could make all soldiers invincible, by simply weeding out the ones who were any good.'
The Army are keen to cut casualties using the technique, and will now be recruiting only laid-off civil servants, who have demonstrated the necessary skills of incompetence to avoid an untimely death in combat.