Does blue sky thinking leave you staring into space? Do you accept disorderly and disorganised ducks? Were you unaware that you had ever been thinking inside a box? Succeeding in business is not about what you know or even who you know, but all about how well you hide the fact that you are completely and utterly incompetent.
If you sound confident as you spout buzz words and clichés then nobody will realise that you are a moron, they won’t mention that they are unsure exactly what ‘synergy’ actually means, or question why you are switching between using it as a noun and a verb at random.
Our handy guide to the language of business will help you understand just how clueless your boss really is, and have you climbing the corporate ladder in no time.
Dot the i’s and cross the t’s
Many interpret this phrase as an expression of a desire for thoroughness. But look more closely; where is the mention of dotting lower case j’s? Are the j’s to go undotted? What about capital Q’s? Will they be left uncrossed? Is the intention therefore to express a desire for a half-finished job? No. This is actually a thinly-veiled threat to eliminate all lower case j’s and capital Q’s from a document.
Beware the i dotter, anybody ruthless enough to target a letter of the alphabet will not think twice about stabbing you in the back.
Send that to myself / I’ll send that to yourself
Short words impress nobody, even when they are grammatically correct. So replace the words ‘me’ and ‘you’ with ‘myself’ and ‘yourself’. They sound similar enough that people will understand what you mean, and you will be taken much more seriously if you use longer words. Don’t worry, you’ll soon get over the embarrassment of speaking like a six year old with learning difficulties once you realise that everybody else is doing it too.
Try to replace as many short words as you can with longer ones and people will respect you more. Why plan details when you can strategise granularity?
A combination of maximise and minimise. If you maximinimse a project you may be maximising the benefit while minimising the risk, all the time maintaining that feeling of doubt that comes with people not quite knowing what you mean but not daring to ask.
Ok, so we made that one up. But do you see how easy it is? If you invent a word and use it confidently nobody will want to risk asking what it means in case everybody else already knows. Why not give it a go yourself?
Next week – fully utilising leverage in order to maximise synergisation of strategic gains.