Mitt Romney has vowed to leave the USA and restart his political career in the UK after hearing David Cameron talk of a gay witch hunt.
"If there is one thing that pisses me off more than gay people and witches, it's gay witches" Romney told a sympathetic Republican Party.
"In a country that has banned the hunting of foxes and frowns those that shoot a topless princess, it's nice to see public lynching is still fair game"
Although Mr Romney has been publicly opposed to gay marriage in the US for a long time, his hatred of witches only came about recently.
"I used to think that witches were made up to scare children and used as a weapon to control their actions" Mitt explained, "but then my morman minister told me God says they are actually children of the devil"
His first priority, should he get elected in the UK, will be to seek the extradition of J K Rowling to America. He is accusing her conjuring up a world of witchcraft where the leading male, Harry Potter, has no sexual feelings for Hermione.
"Any man that turns her down, but chooses to spend his school time with an old man, and his summer with a ginger boy is quite clearly gay"
Despite the clear misunderstanding of David Cameron's words, Mr Romney seems intent on starting his hunt as soon as possible. One of his aides explained his urgency. "Where Mitt comes from they hang witches from trees".
"But with the spread of ash dieback, there could soon be 80 million less trees to use"