The lure of 4 weeks away in the Australian jungle plus the chance of winning the grand prize of an Australian passport and a new identity has seen Tories suspected of sexual misbehaviour clamour to go on ITV’s new show ‘I’m a celibate Tory – get me out of here.’
The shows format sees the under suspicion Tories having to cope with challenges of escalating difficulty and try to remain celibate till the end of the series. All the contestants will start with pixelated faces and any person engaging in carnal activity will immediately be revealed. Contestants who merely get aroused will lose some of the pixels.
The early challenges are designed to be fairly easy, according to show producer Chris Brogden: “The video of the David Cameron conference speech should be a gimmee – only the most deviant pervert would toss off at that. But the horse ride through the jungle with Rebekah Brooks might see contestants lose the odd pixel if they carelessly text ‘lol’ to her. And of course at least one Tory is likely to be attracted to the horse.’
The food challenge is likely to be more difficult: ‘Unless there is some sort of weird closet vegetarian amongst them, the Tories will struggle to actually eat the cucumbers and carrots when force of habit dictates they be anally inserted’ said Mr Brogden. ‘And the orange plus plastic bag combo might eliminate a few.’
The final challenges will require a herculean combination of leg-crossing plus fiscal policy sublimation to get through. In quick succession the Tory contestants will be spanked by Ant and Dec dressed as leather clad dominatrix’s, and then taken to a sleepover at the Jimmy Savile home for troubled but suggestible teenagers. ‘If any of them still have their love sack full after that they deserve a new identity’ said Mr Brogden.
When asked about the show, Prime Minister David Cameron said the current ‘trial by Twitter’ of alleged sex offending prominent Tories is unseemly, and that the allegations have to be investigated and resolved in a fair and transparent manner: ‘So reality TV is perfect’ said Mr Cameron.