Justin Welby will be the first Archbishop of Canterbury to be hired on a freelance basis, leaving him at liberty to perform “Archbishop of Canterbury services” for other world state-run religions. A Church of England spokesperson explained “This brings the Anglican faith up to date with modern employment practices. Justin’s always been a cast-your-bread-upon-the-waters kind of guy, with many breeds of sheep to his crook, so to speak. It’s what you call Portillo working. No, I mean portfolio, sorry. Er different story all together. Take that bit out. Christ!”
But it’s understood Jeremy Paxman may be preparing a hostile reception for the new church leader on Newsnight. He’s reported as asking, “Why is it we at the BBC have always had to campaign hard for a living wage packet with tax deducted at source, when a man nobody’s heard of in a dress with a stick and a funny hat can ride roughshod over UK tax rules?”
On his website, BishBashBoshLtd.com, Welby cites the services offered by his company as
*Bish. We can provide modern, thoughtful Bishopping and Archbishopping across a wide range of Christian faiths to suit needs from “almost-catholic-apart-from-the-celibacy-thing” to “Scarier than Oliver Cromwell.” If you don’t want bishopping, we can just do shopping, we just get a list from you and take out the bish and bring back the bacon.
*Bash. Want to bash gay bishops while appearing liberal and caring? We can supply arguments in a variety of strengths, from “As long as they keep it to themselves” to 3X strong for African Anglicans, with an added hell option.
*Bosch. All kitchen and other domestic appliances serviced and repaired by trustworthy part time local deacons, and yes, up to a point some of these might be women, I suppose. If we must.